Baahhh means no, sucka.
Every other Saturday, I drive past the same abortion clinic on Central Ave, and I see the same dudes in their denim and flannel, holding up signs of what is apparently aborted baby stew. These dudes stand there cocked, locked, and ready to shame any female that walks into the building in question. To be honest, I'm typically more fixated on these dipshits than the printed bloody mess they're holding up as signs in protest. It's kind of gross, and I hate that my spawn have seen these signs.
So, here's the thing...I can appreciate that these men take the time to put this little sham of a show together to demonstrate their disgust with the choices complete strangers have made for themselves. I can also applaud their dedication to the subject, and their ability to stand united. Nice assembly, fellas. What bothers me is that there is a bunch of dudes standing outside a medical building judging females for making a choice that those motherfuckers couldn't even remotely begin to understand, nor handle. Who the fuck are you to tell ANY woman, what to do with her body, little alone shame her for making the decision she has made? Ohh, is that a vagina under those bibs? No? Then shut your fucking slop-hole, pal. It's that simple. When a man can mangle what used to be an impressive six pack to grow a human in his guts and actually birth this creation, he can yap his trap about whatever his opinion may be. Until then, just sit there and be a man. Mmmkay? Would I personally get an abortion? Nope. Do I believe anyone else on this planet should have the right to tell me that I can't, if unforeseen circumstances were to take place? HELL NO! I most certainly don't want the opinion of some backwoods-hilljack that probably fucks his sheep behind the barn to have any bearing on my right to make such a choice.
Speaking of no futures, lets talk about some shit that has me annoyed.
On this wonderful journey of finding the one, I have met some dudes that have had me temporarily smitten at various points. It happens. Whether it's the nice dinners, or the way he made me laugh, or perhaps it was just the way he laid the pipe, somewhere along the way it got to that level. Scary shit, for real. It makes a gal think about her life. As I'm sure you can tell, I have dated some real prizes in the man department, and I have to be honest when I say that the thought of a serious relationship right now absolutely terrifies me.
The pet names and expectations. The compromises and inevitable "love" bombs.... and God forbid, the feelings.
Eeeek! Check please!
You see, it's not that I don't want all of these things, because every broad does and ultimately that's why you date. It's just that when you cupcake around with a dude long enough to figure out that he isn't the one, you have the task of trying to get dude to get off the hook. I'm not one of those bitches that will just straight up ignore you and toss your ass to the side like a used cotton pony, I try to be nice about it. I don't want to run into your bitter ass down the road and have to feel your glare burning into the back of my fabulous skull. I'd rather be able to say a quick "Hey!" and go about my day. So, I try to break it to 'em gently.
Please,
Don't rebuttal every point I make when I tell you why I don't want to bang you anymore. I JUST DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU. It's really that simple.
Don't try to guilt trip me for not putting forth more effort. I'm just not feelin' it, bro. I'm not trying to waste my energy on a dead end.
Raw Dick Doug, AKA Cowboy
While in the midst of heartbroken stupor a few months back, a dear gal pal of mine convinced me that it would be entertaining for me make a profile on a dating site. I was reluctant, but I put up a pic from fb and answered some questions to aid in finding my mopey ass a love connection. I had 35 messages in less than 5 minutes. Hello, esteem boost! I was hooked. It was like shopping for shoes online, only it was dudes. I entered in my criteria, and started scrolling.
Too short. Scroll.
Too many kids. Scroll.
Too old. Scroll. Scroll. Hey now, he's cute...oh, is that a Disturbed shirt he's wearing? Uggh, nope. Scroll.
Who are these dudes?
I got chatty with a few guys on the site. I also ignored a lot. I went on a few dates, and I happened to see several people I know pop up in my searches. Most of the time we just exchanged some "haha's" and kept shopping. Even my cuntbag ex found me on there. That was awkward. He tried to get me to reconcile through a dating site. The irony was just too much. Anyhoo, I met some strange characters along the way and one of my most infamous is a guy I like to call "Cowboy".
Cowboy was a redneck from the sticks. He was aged 37 years. He stood 6'4, and was 220 lbs of solid muscle from running cattle on his farm. He certainly was nice to look at. Dude seemed to have had a good sense of humor and was a bit old fashioned, which I dig. On his profile he had said he liked to drink beer around a bonfire and eat steak. Well, shit the bed! Those things happen to tickle my fancy as well, so I sent him a message. I told him he should take me out for a steak and some beers, and that's precisely what he did that very evening.
I met dude at Outback (meh). I could tell which truck was his as soon as I pulled into the lot. It was a tan Chevy dually, dirty as fuck. I had to look by the hitch to make sure there wasn't brass balls hanging back there. That'd have been a deal breaker right there, folks. He met me at the door when I walked inside, and escorted me to our table.
We yapped and we grubbed. He gave me bites of his lobster and we laughed and yapped some more. It was all very enchanting. I said all the right shit dudes like to hear, and he acted as though he was hanging on my every word. Dating is super fun.
Cowboy told me a story of when he had first started dating his ex and how he should have ran right then and there, but he enjoyed seeing how far her crazy would go. That should've been my cue to ask for the check, but I was intrigued by the way his lips formed words, so I continued to bat my lashes and nod at all the appropriate times. He proceeded to tell me about how crazy girl had suddenly pulled a Hulk and ripped open a Burger King bag in his floorboard and tried to beat him with it while throwing cold fries at him. Entertaining, right?
At the end of our date, he walked me to my car and we decided we should hang out again soon. We hugged, and I hopped in my ride and drove away with a smile.
Throughout the next few days, we talked on the phone a bit and sent a few texts back and forth. Nothing too crazy...until one particular evening. He had been chatty Cathy all day, and decided to call me from the parking lot of a bar he had gotten kicked out of for getting rowdy. Red flag! Dude was hammered and slurring like a buffoon. He was rambling on about their little dispute and so forth and I tried like hell to be interested. It was taking serious effort. I think he finally clued in that he was taking me to Boredom City, so he flipped the switch and started to plan our date for the next day. While we were yapping and planning, I was preparing my spawn's uniforms and what not for the next day and he inquired as to why my spawn had to wear uniforms to school. (they go to Catholic school) He says, "Ohh, so you're a Catholic girl, huh? I guess that means I'm gonna have to wear a rubber with you. Uggh."
Ummm...What the fuck did he just say? Does he actually think I'd bang a complete stranger, raw dick? That's laughable.
To make a long story short, he hung up on me, then flipped his wig through text because he doesn't wear condoms and proceeds to tell me that I obviously have trust issues. Total nutcase stuff. I was appalled and he was super disrespectful. I may have said something along the lines of him being a presumptuous asshole, and any chance he may have had to ever get near my lacy goodies was now going to be nothing more than a mere fantasy for him to tenderize his sad lil' meat to. I also told him I could clearly see why his ex had tried to beat him with fries and shit, I'd like to beat him with a bat, real hard.
Apparently he found me amusing, because he then asked me to marry him. He said "I made his uncut dick rock hard and he wanted to punish my sassy ass and filthy mouth." He was as serious as a heart attack.
Whaaaaat?! Holy fucking fishdicks, who says this shit after one date? This dude was on a whole different level and definitely not one I desired to get on. You know, like chop your ass into chunks and serve you for dinner type level of crazy? Fuck that noise! Needless to say, I told him to eat dicks and blocked him. Back to scrolling.Apparently he found me amusing, because he then asked me to marry him. He said "I made his uncut dick rock hard and he wanted to punish my sassy ass and filthy mouth." He was as serious as a heart attack.
Question:
~Why is it that uncut dicks make me think of Bush's baked beans? It's always that damned "Roll that beautiful bean footage" that pops into my head.
Beanie weenies; delicious, yet disturbing all at once. You're welcome.
