Another One Bites the Dust

Breaking up is hard to do. That's it. That very sentence says it all.

Life is funny, you know? You can be going on about your shit happily and completely content, then BAMMM!! All of the sudden this person walks in and totally changes the course of your entire life. They change you. You can try to fight it (God knows I sure as fuck did) but it's of no use. All it takes is that one moment, with the right look, at the right time and then it happens...you fall in love.

Although I resisted, inevitably I fell hard. I just couldn't help myself. It was the way he smiled. The way he held my hand, or brushed my hair off of my face. He would chuckle and sigh, "Oh babe, I love you" when I would say something completely asinine or just flat out silly. It was the way he smelled when he came home from work, and it was the way his hair stood up in a disheveled mess when he crawled out of bed in the morning. Goddamnit, it was the way he fucking inhaled and exhaled his breath. Now, I'm here, crying my puffy, bloodshot eyes out, after four solid days of no sleep or appetite, while he's smashing away on his Xbox controller and loving his life...WITHOUT ME.  

I can't tell you what went wrong, because I honestly don't know. We were planning for our futures together. I allowed my children to get to know him slowly, and surely they grew fond of him, too. We talked about moving in together and how we'd arrange their rooms. We started planning a vacation for all of us to go on, per his suggestion. It was all WE! Everything was US! Now, I'm stuck here wondering what the fuck happened to us? Where did I go wrong? What could I have done better? Just Why??? I thought we were happy. He assured me and reassured me time after time that I could trust him. He was my person. He was my rock. I could fucking count on him and lean on him when I needed strength. I needed to take a chance and let my guard down with him. Bullshit. He waited until I did just that and then Poof- he was done. 

When the man you love with every ounce of your being says to you in the same breath that he loves you, BUT he has to be honest with you...When he went to happy hour with his colleagues one Friday night in February (also the evening prior to the day he blew off a commitment he made with you and your children) he met someone and he really felt a connection. "They had chemistry." He really enjoyed flirting with her all evening and didn't want to stop. It made him regret that he wasn't single. So, this vanilla-looking bitch with a six-finger-forehead from Loan Processing obviously gave the man I was sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with such a fucking hard-on, that he was willing to throw away 14 months of happiness. What a fucking joke. And sadly, this joke's on me. 

He tells me this, while we're laying in bed and I have my head resting on his chest. This man shatters my heart into a million shards, while I lay my fucking head on his. At that moment, I was numb. I was in total disbelief and shock. I couldn't comprehend the words coming out of his mouth. I sat up and picked at my chipped nail polish and fought the urge to allow the screams of anguish in my heart and head to come out of my mouth.
A part of me died. 

This man that I love tells me that he doesn't feel anything for this plain Jane and that he's not wanting to pursue anything with her, or anyone else for that matter. He claims that he wants to just figure things out in his head and be single for a while. He states that he knows it's hard for me to believe, but he does love me, and has been happy the whole relationship. I was the best girlfriend he could ever hope for, and the last year was one of the happiest in his entire life. This is hard for him, too...He just started having doubts. It's not fair to string me along and blah, blah, blah. 

NO! YOU JUST WANT TO GET YOUR DICK WET ELSEWHERE WITHOUT GUILT. 

This isn't my first rodeo, cowboy. This is day four. Day five could be easier, and day six may be the worst yet, but one thing I do know is this; I'm a tough broad, and I may not always have the highest self-esteem, but I know my worth. I was loyal and dedicated to you. I gave you everything I had to offer with passion- mind, body, and soul. I was honest and took you and all of your faults into me, and loved you fiercely. I desired you when you couldn't even look upon yourself in the mirror. I cherished everything about you. In return, you threw me away like I'm nothing, and that is something I will never understand, nor will I ever forget. 

That last night together, I laid quietly crying next to this man that I love, physically unable to leave his side. In my mind I silently begged for forgiveness for whatever I had done to deserve this. I silently pleaded that I would wake up and it would just be another shitty dream. I silently prayed that he would roll over and just hold me and tell me that he made a mistake and he couldn't live without me. I didn't want to let him go. I lay there awake all night long, and watched the minutes pass us by. I listened to his roaring snores, and for once didn't even mind them. I just wanted to soak in every moment with this man that I love, because it would be the very last. 

I'm fully aware that this may make me sound bitter and maybe even a little crazy. I know that sharing my feelings in such a public manner may be tasteless to some, and perhaps even unforgivable to a few, but this is how I take the steps I need to get the pain out and to begin to heal. This is how I move forward with my life, without the man that I love. 




If you, this man that I love, should ever happen to read this -please just know this to be true:
Even though you've shattered my heart and soul into a million pieces, I still love you with each and every one of them, and I will forever miss you.