I need to vent.

So, here we are.
I've typed the random thoughts that have popped into my head, and now you're reading them. Congrats, and welcome to the jungle, baby.

I have a lot to say, and I don't filter. I'm a bit vulgar, and downright crude at times. You may laugh, and you may get offended. Either way- no apologies.

I'm just a chick that's in constant search of my path and I will never be satisfied. I'm 30, and still don't have my shit figured out. I think I have gypsy blood. I fear commitment, yet I crave it. I like makeup, and I like men. I probably drink too much, and definitely don't exercise enough. Mmm, a pint of Half Baked would be excellent right now. I have a short attention span. LIKE, really short. Everything bores me eventually and I lose interest. Did I mention I'm single?...yeah. I like peanut butter a whole lot. The crunchier, the better. Creamy for crackers and snacky shit. I just don't like nuts all over my celery.
Obviously, I need a snack.
 

Dipshits or Dildos

I fairly recently got out of a toxic relationship. He was the narcissistic, sociopath type. The sex was good. Not the best I'd ever had, but I had fun. It was like glue for me and I will never understand why. Long story short, he cheated and I felt betrayed so I told him to eat shit and I moved on. Some days, I struggle with the "How could that motherfucker do this to me?" thoughts, but most days I'm happy. Free. He's but a fading memory. He turned out to be like all the rest...just another dipshit.

As a single gal,when you get all gussied up and have a night out on the town, you want to catch a couple eyes in hopes of meeting someone that might be interesting enough to talk to through the drink they're inevitably going to buy you. Let's be real here...In the rare case that this fella actually has a nice smile, free of food debris, no visible boogs,  and is just maybe a little cute....he has to go and open his mouth and say something cheesy. Fantasy RUINED. Thanks for the drink, now fuck off and don't creep on me from across the bar, please. Don't send your lame ass friend over to attempt it either. He's not as cute as you are, and obviously has even lower self esteem than you. That pathetic ass isn't even worth talking to for a free drink. I find myself in that same place at the end of the night with the same choice to make as the time before. Dipshit, or dildo? Lately, dildo has been leading in the polls.

 

Thanks for reiterating why I choose to be single, fuckface.

I have a whole lot of standards when it comes to the type of man I like to share my time with. My time is fucking precious, and if you want to hit this, you will show your appreciation or move on down the road. I keep my standards high, but my expectations low. I'm prepared for you to suck in pretty much every aspect, so bring your best game, Bud.

We all have our list of deal breakers, and here are a few of mine.

1. You're a self-proclaimed "grower" and not a "shower". Dude, please. You just have a small prick.

2. A lack of manners will not suffice. You had better say please and thank you. It's not about chivalry, it's about not being a fucking asshole.

3. The phrase "chivalry is dead" is not acceptable. Open my door. Pull out my chair. Ladies love this, and you dudes know it.

4. Don't show up planning to get your freak on with me wearing some lame-ass boxers. I don't want to see Homer Simpson by your dick. Not sexy.

5. Your fucking face. That is the most awful "O" face I've ever seen. I can't even stay wet if you look like you're having some sort of retard seizure. I don't want to have to keep my eyes squeezed shut, so fix that shit.

6. You're how old, and still working a shit job? Seriously? I need a go-getter with a plan, Stan. If you're slinging drinks or flipping burgers, you're not man enough for me.

7. My, what a soft and slightly feminine voice you have. Barf.

8. Wow, your hands are almost as small as mine. And soooo smooth. Nope.

9. Your ride...clean it, fix it, or upgrade it. I don't drive a clunker, and I won't ride in one either.

10. Are you a hyena by chance? That laugh is fucking annoying!

11. Are those titties under your shirt, dude? I wear the tits in a relationship. Period.

12. So, you've got a man sweater under that argyle sweater? Too bad you have more body hair than head hair. I'll wax that shit, but no thanks on the little bump and grind situation.

13. You like to get wasted, and act like a bitch. If you can't handle your liquor, how are you going to handle me? I don't want to babysit a grown man.

14. You have a horrible haircut, or just don't bother to cut it at all. I won't be seen with a dude with shitty hair. That's a direct reflection of me and my profession.

15. Your primary jammage is rap or bullshit I can't stand. I like it hard and heavy with some melody, and prefer not to hear, "Fuck you niggas, you'z a hoe" shit. That's not music. That's talking to a beat about shit I don't relate to.

16. I have a potty mouth, so if you're more vulgar than me, or say some crude shit at an inappropriate time and embarrass me, I will verbally castrate you.

17. If I'm giving you head, guess what? Your ass had better reciprocate. Ohh, you don't eat snatch? Later, hater.

18. Those are some busted kicks you're trying to sport, homie. I bet you can take your ass to Payless and get yourself something real fancy. Anything would be an improvement if your soles are flopping with every step.

19. You have a hairy ass pet that just HAS to sleep with you. I don't want to choke on your dog's hair and fight for bed space with the four-legged bastard. Also, if we are fucking in that hairy bed, I don't want your kitty's hair all over my kitty. Ya dig?

20. So you had Chipotle for lunch today? I can tell because you still have remnants of it in your grill. I won't let that dirty mouth anywhere near me. I can't even look at you right now. No, rubbing your finger across your teeth didn't help. That big piece of cilantro is still there! Ugggh. You disgust me.

21. So, we're friends on Facebook now. Swell. You like that picture? Neat. I do look pretty in that one. Ohhh, you like those other 270 pictures as well? Hmmm...you just liked my picture from 2008? How far are you digging through my shit? There's a fine line between a crush and a straight up stalker. You're taking the cake, homeboy.

22. A dear male friend of mine said, "A man doesn't text smiley faces as communication."
I have to agree. It's rather annoying, and I want to beat you with all of your smiley faces.

23. I think tattooed men are hot. I think men without tats are equally as hot. If you're one of those dudes that needs "Ink Therapy" or got full sleeves to look more hardcore, get the fuck out of here. I don't date poser pussies.

24. Are you seriously wearing a fucking beanie in June? It's 85 degrees outside. No beanies after April, no exceptions. Douche.

25. You want to take me out for an expensive dinner? Awesome! I will get my fancy panties on, and we will have a ball. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PULLING UP TO FUCKING OLIVE GARDEN RIGHT NOW? Jesus, fucking tits, no.


These are just a few, obviously. I could go on and on all day, but this girl has bills to pay, and currently, no sugar daddy. I've got to wash my 'giney and my hiney, so I'll catch you on the flipside. <3