God Bless America.
New Year, New Me Bullshit
Well folks, its a new year, and as much as I'd like to claim that I'm working on changing into an all new me, alas, I am not. Last year was pretty damn awesome, and I feel as though I grew a lot as a whole. I set a financial goal to make a certain percentage more than the year before at my job, and I nailed it. I had decided I wanted to travel a bunch and see cool shit I had only ever imagined since I was a child, and I did. I had striven to make new friends, and push myself well beyond my comfort zone on many levels, and I succeeded. I had a remarkable year, and there's not a thing I would change about it, or the person I am evolving into because of it. Today, it feels good to be me.
I have however, been doing a lot of personal reflection, and really analyzing where I need to make some self improvements both mentally and physically. It's never an easy task to truly look at your life and your actions and admit your faults and own up to your failures. Sometimes, that's exactly what we need to do to find our balance.
As for the mental side of things, I've definitely been a bit hard on myself lately. Sometimes the stress of being a single mom really beats me down. I'm my harshest critic most days, and sometimes I feel as though no matter how hard I try, I will never get ahead of the game. I worry constantly that I work too much, and that when I'm not working I'm too busy doing laundry and all the domestic shit that has to be done, to really have the quality time with my spawn they deserve. It's a never ending cycle, and I honestly don't know how to make it any easier. I just keep pushing and pulling my way through and try to remain positive.
Lately, I find myself worrying about my health and what would happen if something tragic were to happen to me. In September, I had to rush myself to the ER after laying in pain for two days, thinking I was dying, to find that I had a golf ball sized ovarian cyst rupture. Let me tell you, it's depressing as fuck to have to drive yourself to and from the hospital when you feel like you just had a near death experience. It's even more so when you get asked multiple times if there's anyone they can call in case shit goes haywire and a decision has to be made, and your answer is "No, I don't have a person that's authorized to pull my plug if I turn into a veggie." I had never felt more alone in my entire life. Luckily, I have some amazing friends that are always there for me when I ask them to be, but there lies the issue...I have the hardest time asking for help, from anyone. I hate being vulnerable, and most of all, I loathe feeling like I'm a burden to someone. I'm too stubborn for my own good and it's all a huge mind fuckery that I've had since I was a young girl. Ultimately, I have learned through the years that the only person I will ever be able to count on and trust is myself, so it's difficult for me to open myself up to the possibility of someone else actually wanting to step up to the plate, and help lessen my load. This is obviously an area I need to work on, and I attempt to every single day.
Lately, I find myself worrying about my health and what would happen if something tragic were to happen to me. In September, I had to rush myself to the ER after laying in pain for two days, thinking I was dying, to find that I had a golf ball sized ovarian cyst rupture. Let me tell you, it's depressing as fuck to have to drive yourself to and from the hospital when you feel like you just had a near death experience. It's even more so when you get asked multiple times if there's anyone they can call in case shit goes haywire and a decision has to be made, and your answer is "No, I don't have a person that's authorized to pull my plug if I turn into a veggie." I had never felt more alone in my entire life. Luckily, I have some amazing friends that are always there for me when I ask them to be, but there lies the issue...I have the hardest time asking for help, from anyone. I hate being vulnerable, and most of all, I loathe feeling like I'm a burden to someone. I'm too stubborn for my own good and it's all a huge mind fuckery that I've had since I was a young girl. Ultimately, I have learned through the years that the only person I will ever be able to count on and trust is myself, so it's difficult for me to open myself up to the possibility of someone else actually wanting to step up to the plate, and help lessen my load. This is obviously an area I need to work on, and I attempt to every single day.
A few years back, when all of my girlfriends started warning me about how much your mind and body changes in your thirties, I didn't take them very serious. I just looked at my tight ass and smooth skin and shrugged, like it was never going to happen to me. HA!!! I took my youth for granted. Now I look in the mirror and cringe when I see the wrinkles on my forehead and the cellulite on my thighs. I look at my breasts and remember what they were like before child bearing and gravity started to take hold. I pinch my mom belly daily, and reminisce about my old six pack and belly ring. It makes me want to fucking vomit. Just a couple of years ago, I could just cut carbs for a couple of weeks and jog around the block and lose 10 pounds lickity split. Nowadays, I just look at a fucking cupcake and get a new dimple on my ass cheek. So, I decided to take my jiggly self back to the gym and work at being less of a tub of lard. I know it's what my body needs, and my mind craves it. And let me be honest, we all know I enjoy some muscled eye candy when my endorphins are pumping and I'm dripping with sweat. Wink, wink!
Random pet peeve of mine:
I find it so very annoying when a man with long hair constantly strokes and pets his hair. We get it, dude. You have long hair, and I'm sure you think it's pretty. However, twirling it and flipping it over your shoulder like you're Fabio doesn't appeal to me. I think you look like a feminine bitch boy and I want to shoot you in the face with a rubber band in hopes that you'll at least pull that stringy shit back into a pony tail.
Thanks For Playing, Now Fuck Off
When dating, if your partner suddenly starts acting distant and says they don't know what they want, they're lying. THEY KNOW. They just don't have the balls to tell you that it isn't you. It's that simple. They may throw some lame excuses your way, such as, "I'm just not ready for something serious right now" or "I really like you, but I'm afraid I'll hurt you" and my personal favorite, "I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to date a woman with kids because I don't want anyone to get hurt"- after the fact that you already knew I had kids and we had spoken in depth about the entire situation, multiple times. I will never understand why people can't just be straightforward and say what it is they feel. Why must you play games and be deceitful? Why waste the energy?
I recently read an article by Mark Manson titled “Fuck Yes or No,” about this very subject that really struck home with me. Many of you have likely read it, since I posted the link on Facebook, but for those of you that haven't, allow me to share. The gist of the article is to describe the all-too-common “grey area” of dating, where “feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other.” You know you've been there, we’ve all been there. According to Manson, if you’re in the grey area to start with, you’re already setting yourself up for failure. To help assure you that you’re entering into an equally beneficial and enthusiastic partnership, Manson says you should apply “The Law Of Fuck Yes Or No”
To break it down for you, I'll give you an example.
I started dating a guy a while back that upon our first meeting, I knew he wasn't a good match for me. Our first meeting was supposed to be a coffee date at 9:00 AM at a little coffee shop of his choosing. I showed up early, he wasn't there. I ordered myself a frothy latte, and poked around on Pinterest while I patiently awaited his arrival. At 9:15 I text him and asked if perhaps I had gone to the wrong place. No reply. By 9:30 I had finished my drink, and I was livid. I couldn't believe I had been stood up for a fucking coffee date on a Monday morning. So, I walked out to my car, and just as I was getting in, I received a text saying he was sorry and that he'd be there in 10 minutes. I told him I had already left, and that my time was valuable and he had wasted it. I felt disrespected. Right then and there should have been when I cut it off, but we all know how dumb I can be sometimes, and much to my regret, I didn't. I left and went to a little shop a few blocks away to pick up some things on my list of shit to get.
He asked me to come back, and he would make it up to me. He would buy me a coffee and breakfast. (Yippie!) I told him I would, but I took my sweet-ass time and made him wait about as long as he had made me wait. I arrived, drank more coffee, and we chatted for a short while. He invited me to come hang out with him later that afternoon for a bit if I was free, and I accepted. Fast forward a few hours and we sat outside on his deck and yapped some more. You see, I had already had my doubts about this fella because he didn't respect my time, nor did he genuinely seem to care that it had bothered me. The majority of the time we conversed, he did most of the talking and it was all about how great he was and all the great things he does and had done. He didn't seem at all interested in learning about me, he was more entertained with selling himself, to me. I flat out told him that I thought he was a narcissist, and he laughed. Boom. Right there it was. I knew the type of man he was from two conversations, and the red flags were beating the shit out of my brains, yet I made the conscious decision to continue on with him, with extreme caution. It was a laughable attempt on my part.
I recently read an article by Mark Manson titled “Fuck Yes or No,” about this very subject that really struck home with me. Many of you have likely read it, since I posted the link on Facebook, but for those of you that haven't, allow me to share. The gist of the article is to describe the all-too-common “grey area” of dating, where “feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other.” You know you've been there, we’ve all been there. According to Manson, if you’re in the grey area to start with, you’re already setting yourself up for failure. To help assure you that you’re entering into an equally beneficial and enthusiastic partnership, Manson says you should apply “The Law Of Fuck Yes Or No”
To break it down for you, I'll give you an example.
I started dating a guy a while back that upon our first meeting, I knew he wasn't a good match for me. Our first meeting was supposed to be a coffee date at 9:00 AM at a little coffee shop of his choosing. I showed up early, he wasn't there. I ordered myself a frothy latte, and poked around on Pinterest while I patiently awaited his arrival. At 9:15 I text him and asked if perhaps I had gone to the wrong place. No reply. By 9:30 I had finished my drink, and I was livid. I couldn't believe I had been stood up for a fucking coffee date on a Monday morning. So, I walked out to my car, and just as I was getting in, I received a text saying he was sorry and that he'd be there in 10 minutes. I told him I had already left, and that my time was valuable and he had wasted it. I felt disrespected. Right then and there should have been when I cut it off, but we all know how dumb I can be sometimes, and much to my regret, I didn't. I left and went to a little shop a few blocks away to pick up some things on my list of shit to get.
He asked me to come back, and he would make it up to me. He would buy me a coffee and breakfast. (Yippie!) I told him I would, but I took my sweet-ass time and made him wait about as long as he had made me wait. I arrived, drank more coffee, and we chatted for a short while. He invited me to come hang out with him later that afternoon for a bit if I was free, and I accepted. Fast forward a few hours and we sat outside on his deck and yapped some more. You see, I had already had my doubts about this fella because he didn't respect my time, nor did he genuinely seem to care that it had bothered me. The majority of the time we conversed, he did most of the talking and it was all about how great he was and all the great things he does and had done. He didn't seem at all interested in learning about me, he was more entertained with selling himself, to me. I flat out told him that I thought he was a narcissist, and he laughed. Boom. Right there it was. I knew the type of man he was from two conversations, and the red flags were beating the shit out of my brains, yet I made the conscious decision to continue on with him, with extreme caution. It was a laughable attempt on my part.
The point of this is that I knew before I even met this guy that he wasn't going to meet my standards and that I would have far too many reservations about him for anything successful to ever come from dating him. Sure, we had fun. He is a nice guy, he has a good heart. But, he's not the man for me. I knew at the very start that he wasn't a "Fuck Yes!" to me, and ultimately I was not a "Fuck Yes" for him. I want to date someone that when asked if they want to come to dinner at my house and eat a fat pot roast that simmered in my slow cooker all day, he responds, "Fuck Yes, I do!" I don't want a man that says I probably shouldn't because insert lame excuse here, and then an hour later tell me he's going to go eat tacos at some dive bar. I wasn't a "Fuck Yes" to him, I was just an option. Why didn't he just throw a fresh pile of shit in my face? He may as well have, because that's about how much respect and appreciation he gave me for my thoughtfulness and willingness to go out of my way to prepare a nice dinner for him to enjoy. It was damn tasty, and now I'M GLAD I DIDN'T HAVE TO SHARE.
The moral of all this mumbo jumbo is simply this, I personally have found myself repeating the same behaviors with the same type of men, over and over again. It's draining, and emotionally it begins to wear on my self esteem, even though I know from the start that it's a matter of self-sabotage when I allow myself to become emotionally involved with a man that's just not the one for me.
I just want to find a good dude, with a big ol' dick to just love me for me, and be there for me when I need someone to talk to and help ease my stresses. Isn't that basically in some form what we all want? So, why do we complicate shit? We will never know the answer to that.
It looks like I will be making some changes in 2015 after all.
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