First and foremost, I have to say that I am so sickened and annoyed by what I see on a daily basis when I log into my social media, I want to scream! All anyone is posting as of late is how so & so is offended by what this or that person said, and how some dumbfuck posted something that was racist or prejudice against them or their sister's husband's late-great uncle Fucktard Fred. WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS??? Seriously, why does everyone feel the need to look for any opportunity they can find to be pissed off and create drama over something so menial? When did our society become so self-entitled? Just because everyone else is jumping on the "I'm offended and my pussy hurts" bandwagon, doesn't mean you need to, too. Don't these people have lives?
Let me give you a different perspective: What if someone very dear to you, let's say your child or your husband, found out that they were terminally ill, and you had a limited time to spend with them...Would you be so inclined to get your panties in such a wad over this stupid shit? Likely not. Your energy would be focused on what's truly important and actually relevant to sustaining your life and happiness and spending quality time with the people you love. You would be worried about things that matter, not the opinions of others and their actions. Here's a news-flash, we all have limited time here, so I suggest that you GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELVES, YOU NARCISSISTIC DILLHOLES! You and your opinions are not as important as YOU think they are.
Now, I have one thing to say regarding all of the Confederate flag mumbo jumbo and the Supreme Court's recent ruling on the ban of same-sex marriage: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. There. I've said it. At the risk of sounding insensitive or callous, it truly is how I feel. Take a moment and ask yourself why it's so important to you, personally. Do you even know? What ever happened to people just minding their own business and handling their affairs, without having the need to vocalize every opinion they have just because they have one? Why choose to be a judgmental prick? There's so much more going on in this world, why give a second thought to what someone else views as right or wrong? The way I see it, a flag that was first made well before my lifetime has absolutely no bearing on my day to day grind or personal life. It's a fucking flag, folks. While some people may see it as a painful reminder of their ancestor's past, and dumbshit hilljacks may still use it as a symbol for their backwoods frame of minds that they've had born and bred into them, the truth is, that unless you allow yourself to take on some sort of emotional attachment to it, it's still just a piece of fabric. You are the only one that controls what your thoughts are about it and the feelings that come from your personal points of view. Don't try to put that blame on someone else, or for fuck's sake, a flag.
As for equal rights for marriage- I'm happy for all of my friends that are positively affected by this. To see so many people thankful and full of joy, is a wonderful thing. In my opinion, I don't think that I, nor anyone else should have a right to say that someone can't marry the person they love. I'm a heterosexual woman and I have absolutely no idea what it's like to be told that not only is it wrong, but that I CAN NOT marry someone I love so, once again, this is completely irrelevant to my life, so why the hell should I care? And for those folks that say this has single-handedly ruined the sanctity of marriage, Uhhh...have you looked around? The truth is that the mass majority of our peers these days don't take the commitment and their vows seriously and I'm genuinely shocked when my friends make it to their fifth wedding anniversaries. That's so, so fucking sad and to be honest, just one more reason why I have never chosen to marry. At the end of the day, I don't care who marries whom, I just think that when you say "I DO", you should mean it with every ounce of your being. To say that 'the gays" have ruined it is by far one of the most asinine statements I've ever heard. People have ruined it, period.
And one more thing....for those of you that have so excitedly embraced Bruce Jenner as a woman and prefer to call him Caitlyn- that's totally fine, but don't you dare attempt to be condescending and correct me when I refer to him as a HE. As far as I'm concerned, no matter how many tits you put on a man and how many beautiful gowns he decides to wear, he will never be a woman, The day that doctors effectively flip, nip, and tuck a cock inside out and make a man menstruate and give him the ability to GIVE BIRTH TO A LIVE HUMAN BEING, I will nod my head in agreement and say, "Why yes, you are indeed a woman." Until then, he's just another dude rockin' a set of perky tits, with some fabulous heels, and red lipstick, while tucking his cock up next to his turd cutter.
On a more disturbing note, ponder this: if Jenner did in fact decide to go through with trading his twig and berries in for a vag, do you think he would let his partner give him an Alabama Hot Pocket or do you think he'd just stick to a Porky Piggins? I know you're going to Google it, and that's some sick shit right there.
The LOVE Connection
Since my last post (I know, it's been ages!) I have acquired myself a boyfriend. As shocking as that may be, I finally met a dude that meets my standards, and we met on Tinder, nonetheless. It took me a minute to really open myself up to the thought of taking myself off the market and settling down with just one penis, but thus far it's been worth it. To say that I'm not completely terrified and skeptical of how things will turn out and the thought of risking getting my heart broken and trampled on again makes my stomach turn, is a lie. Trust is a major issue for me, and old habits die hard. Through the process of getting to know this fella, I've practically had to relearn how to be in a healthy relationship and I consistently have to remind myself of a little saying that goes something along the lines of "If you carry bricks from your old house into your new one, you will only end up with the same shitty house." I know that if I constantly go back to my old frame of mind pertaining to relationships, I will never successfully build a strong foundation for a lasting and happy partnership. Instead, I choose to look forward and enjoy the little things in the present. I have decided that the only way to truly be happy and to make this dude happy is to give myself to him 100% and hope that in turn he will do the same for me. Thus far, I have no complaints.
Now, let's roll this lil train back a few months and blab about this hunk and how amazingly wonderful and crazy my life has been since our little ding-ding notification.
Our first date was on a chilly, Thursday evening in Westport. We met for a drink, with no more intent than to just see where it would go from there. I was sitting at the bar, sipping on my Moscow Mule when he walked in. He had on some nice slacks, a cardigan over a button up, and a tie. A fucking tie! I was impressed by his threads, fo sho. And that smile...boom! He was off to a good start.
We took a seat on a couple of bar stools away from all the other patrons and started chatting. I honestly wasn't sure what kind of vibe he was putting off, which drove me nuts. He seemed to be interested with all my yapping, but I couldn't get a solid read on him because he was a little fidgety. One drink turned into a few drinks, and I was starting to feel pretty loose. I figured my PBJ from lunch was long gone and my ass was starting to get super sore from sitting on that bar stool, so we moved to a table and I suggested some we grab some grubbage or he was going to see an entirely different side of me that wasn't going to be quite so pretty. There was nothing appealing on the menu, so we decided to walk a couple of blocks and grab a bite elsewhere. We ended up shutting the place down. The staff had started stacking the chairs on the tables around us, and we were so entranced in our conversation, we hardly noticed.
Somehow, our leftovers ended up in my car, and we ended up sitting at the bar in Buzzard Beach until the lights came on and they gave us the boot. I seriously couldn't believe that I met this guy at 6:30 and here it was 3:00 A.M. and I wasn't even remotely sick of him. Major points, buster. He walked me to my car, and there just so happened to be a delivery truck blocking me in, so I was stuck. We decided to just sit in the car and ended up having a pretty spectacular make-out-sesh right there in the illumination of Panera Bread's overhead sign. It was definitely one of those moments when my Diva Cup was my will power, and I was thankful I didn't just rip his buttons right off of his trousers and let him have his way with me, because I fucking wanted it, bad.
We had our second date a few nights later, and then a third and so on. To say that it has been perfect bliss, would be a stretch, but it hasn't been far from it. I think having a serious boyfriend has some killer perks, and as you may have noticed, I like to make lists of shit, and I know your ass reads them daily on Buzzfeed, so we may as well indulge one another. Enjoy, fuckos.
1. He makes you laugh when you're in a shitty mood.
2. Although he loathes coffee and all things coffee related, (weirdo, right?!) he purchased a coffee pot and coffee for you so that you could enjoy your morning cup of happiness at his house when you stay over, and he even kisses you with coffee breath. Wowzers.
3. He does the helicockter whenever you ask him to, with zero hesitation and always with a smile.
4. Although he laughs at your ridiculous fear of eight-legged freaks, he promptly kills them in your presence...Sometimes he even does it with a blow torch just for your sadistic entertainment.
5. When you work late, he almost always cooks you dinner, and you enjoy every bite of it, even if that chicken breast is more like chicken jerky.
6. He tells you that you look sexy or beautiful every time he sees you. And he's honest when you don't.
7. You can make fun of people together without uttering a single word, and know exactly what the other is thinking.
8. You never get tired of fucking him. Every single trip to Poundtown is purely ecstatic and leaves you excited for the next round and craving his touch and the way he looks at you when he's rammin' dat ass.
9. He holds your hand in public, and he grabs your ass, whether people are looking or not. You love that shit.
10. You have someone to change your oil and listen to the weird noises your car makes.
11. He gives killer foot rubs, and doesn't complain most of the time.
12. He has a very gifted mouth...and not just linguistically.
13. He has the same sick and twisted sense of humor as you, so you can send him your most obscene pics and memes and know that you're going to get something equally crude or offensive back.
14. He never speaks to you in a disrespectful or demeaning way, but he also doesn't hold back or sugar coat anything, and he always lets you know when you're being "fussy"...AKA in major bitch mode.
15. He carries the heavy stuff.
16. He knows that the majority of your family is white trash and all the emotional baggage that comes along with your past, and he accepts it, rather than judging you and every mistake you make along the way.
17. He makes a solid effort to build a relationship with your spawn and understands how important it is to you that he is a stable and positive influence in not just your life, but theirs as well.
18. He never leaves the toilet seat up, so you never fall into the toilet when you go pee in the middle of the night.
19. He takes care of you when you're sick and goes out of his way to make sure that you're always comfortable at his house.
20. When you take a bubble bath at his house and run the bubbles out of the tub and all over the bathroom, he just laughs and joins you in the tub for a lil rub-a dub-dub.
And last, but certainly not least...
21. He lets you stop in the middle of a toe-curling blow job, so that you can remove your bangle bracelets, and play ring toss with his penis, and he even applauds you when you make a ringer.
How could I not love this dude?
Signs your boyfriend just may be a keeper:
1. He makes you laugh when you're in a shitty mood.
2. Although he loathes coffee and all things coffee related, (weirdo, right?!) he purchased a coffee pot and coffee for you so that you could enjoy your morning cup of happiness at his house when you stay over, and he even kisses you with coffee breath. Wowzers.
3. He does the helicockter whenever you ask him to, with zero hesitation and always with a smile.
4. Although he laughs at your ridiculous fear of eight-legged freaks, he promptly kills them in your presence...Sometimes he even does it with a blow torch just for your sadistic entertainment.
5. When you work late, he almost always cooks you dinner, and you enjoy every bite of it, even if that chicken breast is more like chicken jerky.
6. He tells you that you look sexy or beautiful every time he sees you. And he's honest when you don't.
7. You can make fun of people together without uttering a single word, and know exactly what the other is thinking.
8. You never get tired of fucking him. Every single trip to Poundtown is purely ecstatic and leaves you excited for the next round and craving his touch and the way he looks at you when he's rammin' dat ass.
9. He holds your hand in public, and he grabs your ass, whether people are looking or not. You love that shit.
10. You have someone to change your oil and listen to the weird noises your car makes.
11. He gives killer foot rubs, and doesn't complain most of the time.
12. He has a very gifted mouth...and not just linguistically.
13. He has the same sick and twisted sense of humor as you, so you can send him your most obscene pics and memes and know that you're going to get something equally crude or offensive back.
14. He never speaks to you in a disrespectful or demeaning way, but he also doesn't hold back or sugar coat anything, and he always lets you know when you're being "fussy"...AKA in major bitch mode.
15. He carries the heavy stuff.
16. He knows that the majority of your family is white trash and all the emotional baggage that comes along with your past, and he accepts it, rather than judging you and every mistake you make along the way.
17. He makes a solid effort to build a relationship with your spawn and understands how important it is to you that he is a stable and positive influence in not just your life, but theirs as well.
18. He never leaves the toilet seat up, so you never fall into the toilet when you go pee in the middle of the night.
19. He takes care of you when you're sick and goes out of his way to make sure that you're always comfortable at his house.
20. When you take a bubble bath at his house and run the bubbles out of the tub and all over the bathroom, he just laughs and joins you in the tub for a lil rub-a dub-dub.
And last, but certainly not least...
21. He lets you stop in the middle of a toe-curling blow job, so that you can remove your bangle bracelets, and play ring toss with his penis, and he even applauds you when you make a ringer.
How could I not love this dude?
